Rule 519: Don't eat in the lab
Rule 1006: Don't reciprocate when undergrads flirt with you
Rule 1007: Don't tip your chair way back, you'll break it.
Rule 56: Don't link numbers to events like DiMaggio's streak.
Rule 1008: Don't make stupid rules when you're bored and not very creative.
in honor of Valentine's Day
Rule 1004: Any plan to have sex at a point more than 12 hours in the future will be thwarted.
Rule 1005: Only women know if they're going to be having sex more than an hour in advance.
(1005 is actually a viagra joke)
Rule 1001: The dishwasher can not handle scrambled eggs.
Rule 1002: Use it or lose it.
Rule 1003: You wear the clothes, not the other way round.
Rule 31. If you're over 6'3" or under 5'3", you will be asked, "How tall are you?" every time someone meets you.
Rule 556: The shortest line will have the slowest people.
*These are from Esquire. Any rules over 1000 are ones that I've created.