The puppetmaster

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Bush: I'm a little tinkerbell. How did my face get to look so much like a weasel?
Cheney: Ears, I like ears. I like to stick my long snake's tongue into ears.
Bush: What was I talking about again? I'm a little teapot.
Cheney: My evil plans start when I slide inside his ears with my devil phallus.
Bush: I was reading this amazing book the other day that really made me concerned about China. It was called The Good Earth.
Cheney: The evil power is mine!

  

Why the Cubbies don't win.

Okay, so yesterday they traded away Michael Barrett, after he got into a bit of between-innings fisticuffs with his pitcher, Carlos Zambrano. Barrett is an above-average hitter (for a catcher) but well below average defensively (no, pretty much he just sucks), but the funny part about the whole thing: they traded him six days before Michael Barrett Jersey Day and 11 days before Michael Barrett Bobblehead Day.

Apparently, Barrett is the third player in the bobblehead era to get traded in midseason before his very special day of bobbleheadedness. The first was reliever Ryan Dempster, who was dealt away by the Marlins in 2002 before they could give away 15,000 of his bobbleheads. Florida decided to reschedule for the next year, when Dempster was finally set to return to Florida with Cincinatti, but he was on the DL at the time. In 2004 the White Sox traded Esteban Loaiza to NYY three weeks before his bobblehead day, but they just went ahead and gave away the bobbleheads anyhow.

  

Spammer Weirdness, episode #N

Yeah, so this is a really weird way to sell somebody on something:

"Hello my friend!I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (http://catcentury.hk) are bad.Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong..My dog and I are still alive :)"

That's the entire text of the e-mail that Blitz let through. Lovely, that.

I'm going to go delete things now. Hooray me!

  

Hot Angry Turtle...

...Intercourse! Trust me, it's hilarious. No, seriously. 😛

You know you want to check this out (be sure the sound is up so you can hear everything!), even though you might be trying to convince yourself otherwise. Only NSFW if your boss is a turtle.

Anyways, as amusing as this is, I can't really take much credit, since I just pilfered this from the blog archives of my friend Zach. Zach's a fun guy who harvests corneas for transplant from corpses. Sounds gross, but since one of his favorite courses while he was a Rice undergrad was parasitology, I think he may have found a calling.

  

Don't feel bad, Chris

You may be new to driving a stick, but at least now you can successfully rob a 7-11? These guys, not so much.

"The kid was just sitting in the car trying to start it but he had no idea what to do. He looked dumbfounded. The only thing he had going was the radio," said Williamson who witnessed the scene.

I also like the last explanatory paragraph from Rueters: Unlike many parts of the world, the majority of cars in the United States are automatic and many drivers are unused to driving "stick shift" vehicles, in which a clutch pedal must be depressed to change gear. Man makes us sound like a bunch of dweebs, huh?